The Ten-Things Podcast

Bonus: Dealing With An Abusive Relationship

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Bonus Episode Notes: Dealing with an abusive relationship.
This is not an “I’m just not happy in my marriage” situation.
Our working definitions of abuse:Verbal abuse: Harsh and insulting language directed at a personEmotional abuse: Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. Physical abuse is self-explanatory
If there has been physical violence once, you need to expect it will happen again.
If there is no active violence going on we are not telling you that you need to leave, we are encouraging you to seek out help. If there is active violence going on, then you need to immediately leave and stay somewhere else. - This goes for physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. All of it. Typically, when the word abuse is used our first thought goes to physical abuse. That is not always the case.- The only thing you need to focus on is getting yourself safe. Especially if there are children involved in the relationship…it’s not about you anymore. - You don’t deserve that. You need to do whatever you can to get out of that relationship. You are not stuck, he is not your only option, you can have a better life than what you are living right now. Some women think they are stuck because he “handles the money”. There are resources out there that help women who are in those situations.
The “well he is always sorry” scenario.
This can’t be resolved on your own – it will take the help and assistance of others to help you through it.
Please don’t think that you have to live like this. This is not your only option.
This can relate to men as well. They can also be the ones being abused.
If you are going to do research, please make sure to clear your search history on your computer or phone. A controlling partner could be looking into that.
Check out these resources:
This interactive map will help you find advocates for domestic violence, shelters, and even legal assistance options for your specific state. https://www.womenslaw.org/find-help?reset-state=1
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233

Don’t Expect Him To Relate To You Like Your Best Girlfriends

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Don't Expect Him to Relate to You Like Your Best Girlfriends
Your friendship with your man can, and should, grow and mature to a place of deep love and companionship.
However, it will not be like your friendships with your girlfriends. It will be different in virtually every way.
Remember that we have talked in several episodes about the fundamental difference between men and women. Friendships are another area where men and women differ.
Generally speaking, men develop friendships through shared activity. They relate to one another and get to know one another by doing things together.
Women, generally speaking, get to know one another by sharing their feelings and thoughts.
Men share activities initially to develop relationships and may share words later on.
Women share their words to develop relationships from the start.
Can men and women become Best Friends? Not without a great deal of give & take on both parts.
What are women looking for in a Best Friend?
What are men looking for in a Best Friend?
I don’t think of my wife as my Best Friend. Our relationship is much, much more than a Best Friend.
My Best Friends, over the years, have changed from season to season. My wife has not.
It takes significantly longer to develop intimacy with a spouse than with a friend because the nature of the intimacy you are creating is very different. Also, the challenges the relationship faces are significantly different.
 

He Needs To Decompress On A Regular Bases

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He Needs To Decompress On A Regular Basis
When we use the term “decompress” we're talking about “changing gears” or transitioning from one focus to another.
Men will do this at different speeds and thoroughness.
When a guy has been focused on work, or a project, all day, he will need to change gears before being free to engage with his family without distractions.
It’s not uncommon for a guy to carry work home with him, either in an active way (front of mind) or in a passive way (back of mind).
If there is a problem or challenge facing him at work, he can easily be “stewing” on that issue on his way home and carry it with him as he begins interacting with his family. THIS IS VERY COMMON.
This means that he is there, physically, but not there, mentally, or emotionally.
Many women can easily move (transition) from one aspect of life to another without missing a beat. Most men can’t. They will often make the transition physically, but not mentally. “You’re here, but you’re not here!”
This can also be true when dealing with extended family if there is unresolved conflict from his past. (A visit with family can stir up emotions and thoughts related to the unresolved conflict which can dominate his thoughts much as issues from work can.
He might be sluggish or slow to put those thoughts away and be “present” with you because of his lack of experience with making the transition.
This is why some guys need/want a few minutes of “downtime” when they get home to read the newspaper, watch the news, check email, or do other seemingly unrelated activities before actively engaging with the family. This almost always generates conflict at home.

He’s Probably More Insecure Than He Appears

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He's Probably More Insecure Than He Appears-
He has been trained since childhood through social/cultural and perhaps family conditioning to act in a particular way. That “way” may not be authentic to who he organically is.
He is the collection of personality/temperament, biological factors, family history, and tendencies.
Posturing, or putting forth an expression that presents him as “a guy who has his stuff together” is a requirement, at several levels, for survival in his world.
This is an illusion, of course, but he is highly motivated to maintain that illusion and will tend to resist anything that threatens it.
Losing that illusion or discovering cracks in his exterior façade can be extremely threatening or devastating and undermine his sense of well-being within the world around him.
Weakness or incompetency in any form must be avoided at all costs, especially in the eyes of the woman he loves.
This also goes back to his core desire for Respect and the fear of losing what level of Respect he believes he has.
All of this can be like juggling razor blades while walking a tightrope.
For a man who is not emotionally mature and healthy, maintaining his façade is Job 1. It’s the most important task on his list.
The more he matures and discovers emotional/spiritual health, the smaller this challenge will become.
Maintaining one’s balance in a Dog-Eat-Dog world is a challenging task in the best of circumstances.

He Will Probably View The World Very Differently Than You-

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He’s probably going to view the world very differently than you do-
Men and women generally view and interpret the world around us differently.
This might translate into differences in your approach to many aspects of life- politics, parenting, finances, education, family traditions, etc.
Remember: neither of you is the standard that defines balance.
Learning to be ok with the fact that the other person sees things differently and disagrees with you can be a challenge but is necessary for long-term harmony and growth in your relationship.
Giving one another space to disagree without conflict is a sign of maturity
Creating a Safe Space in your relationship is an act of Love and will generally produce the fruit that Love brings
What does a Safe Space look like? It’s a place where differences can exist without the pressure to conform or change. Acceptance of the other person and a heart attitude of peace toward them characterize it.
A Safe Space can only be established by letting go of the need/drive to be right.
Everything is NOT a moral issue.
 

He Is Not A Stereo Type

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He is not a stereotype-
We all fall into some general categories, and tendencies, but we are all individuals. None of us can be fully defined by a stereotype.
Look for the positive qualities and characteristics that make him unique. (Talents, abilities, priorities, character, etc.)
DO NOT COMPARE HIM TO OTHER MEN. "Why can't you be like..."
You wouldn't like being compared to other women, would you?
Men will tend to respond better to positive feedback than negative. Isn't this also true about women?
The more you hold onto and/or bring up his shortcomings and failures, the more conflict you will see in your relationship.
The more valued he feels at home, the more he will be motivated to succeed there!
What are some of the strengths in him that you find attractive?
What are some of the weaknesses you are challenged by?
All men are a combination of strengths and weaknesses.
If you can’t accept the combination you see in a man you are dating, you might need to reconsider the relationship
Don’t buy into the illusion that you will be able to change him into the man you want him to be!
(We’re not talking about men who are abusive, controlling, and destructive in their responses to their families)

He Needs A Safe Place...And That Safe Place Is You.

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He needs a safe place where he knows he is accepted and protected and that place is you.
In the same way that you need to feel like opening up with him is a safe place, he needs to feel like opening up with you is a safe place too.
A Safe Place is a place where you feel accepted, protected
Forgiveness is a learned skill and at the core of acceptance
He will often feel like he has to perform for acceptance in his job and the culture surrounding him.
If he feels like coming home to you is a continuation of the competition/performance demand, he feels "out there" he will not look forward to coming home.
Focus more on lifting him up not just telling him what he’s doing wrong all the time. Your words have the power to build him up and make him want to be the man that you believe he is, or pull him down and make him feel like he can never measure up (Prov 18:21 Life & Death are in the power of the tongue).
Encouragement and praise will provide fuel to his internal engine more than anything else you can imagine.
ONE FINAL THING: Learning to accept & protect one another is essential for developing a long-term successful relationship. If I'm always trying to change my partner...it will kill the heart of the relationship and the love and acceptance, we all long for.
We’re not talking about a situation where abusive and damaging actions are the order of the day.
 

He’s Probably A Fixer

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He's probably a fixer-
Women need to understand that this is not a bad thing. This is how he wired.
He is going to want to fix your problems because he cares about you. He is not saying “you need to be fixed”
It will help him learn how to respond if you can help him know when you are "just venting" about a situation, rather than asking him for his help to fix a problem. "I don’t need you to fix anything here, I just need you to listen and let me vent for a bit."
Remember, Most of the time a guy needs a clue when it comes to things involving emotions.
(David story)This has been one of the big conflict starters in my marriage. I was always so quick to start giving advice to Brenda when she just wanted to share her frustration about a situation with me. I thought she would like my help and world-renowned expertise to solve this problem she had. After all, I had the answer! Wrong!
If we resolve a problem for our woman, we have accomplished something, and it makes us feel good about ourselves. It’s a guy thing.
  

He Expresses And Deals With Emotions Differently Than You

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He expresses & deals with emotions differently than you
This is true with the vast majority of men.
He probably is not in tune with his emotions like you are. You've had a lot more practice!
Most expressions of emotion he is familiar with involve a ball of sorts or some other form of competition.
He probably has bought into the myth that a Real Man keeps his emotions locked up inside and only takes them out on rare occasions.
He will probably not feel comfortable or really know how to tell you how he feels about you and your relationship. He will need practice and some help along the way. 
When he takes his emotions out for a spin, he might very well need training wheels to keep from crashing. ;>)
If he feels like there is a probability of failure when expressing his feelings/emotions...he will avoid it at all costs.
Women often don’t know how vital they are to their men because they may not know how to express it.
HOWEVER, Men can learn to be more expressive and will find great joy and fulfillment in doing so. Particularly if he gets encouragement along the way from you when he tries.
It would help if you rewarded the attempt...not the accomplishment.

He Is Not A Mind Reader

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He Is Not A Mind Reader...He's Going To Need Some Help!
Many women think that telling him what they want will take away from the romance but that’s not true.
Where does that idea come from? ROM COM, Hollywood
We want you to show us love and we just expect you know how!
He will typically take his cues from you about what it takes to win with you because he needs to learn how to win with you. (Brenda & jewelry)
He isn't typically going to know a lot about women. He knows other women but hasn't been paying attention to the details.
BESIDES- You don't want him treating you like some other woman! You want him to treat you in a special way that is unique to you!
When you show appreciation for his attempts to win with you, he will keep trying and even try harder.